Blood Sugar Read online

  * * *

  Dag sighs like whatever, but its enough to get Robbie puppy dogging. He jumps up and claps his hands and says how about he fixes us supermilks when we get back? Just like that the whole mood a the day changes.

  * * *

  Supermilks the bomb. Robbie used to have a wonderful job holding road signs that told folks to drive slow cuz a construction and it was lucrative as hell. Back then he fixed us supermilks all the dang time. Now theyre rarer than gold. Mostly only Christmas and birthdays and Easters and whatnot. St Patrick too cuz Robbie claims hes Irish, the great great great great great grandson of an Irish king and one day hes gonna inherit an actual real ass castle with a real ass moat thatll protect all our royal asses. I doubt it but who knows. Robbies full a mystery.

  * * *

  The recipe for supermilk is first you take whatever streetready junk you got lying around. Doesnt matter if its blow or ice or X or H or K or any a those alphabeticals cuz theyre all getting blended up in the blender. Next you pour in some sugar, and malt if you got it, and definitely plenty a milk cuz growing children need milk for powerful bones. When its blended real smooth you serve it up in special frosty glasses you frosted in the freezer. Then guess what? Then you get crunk!

  * * *

  Supermilks cold and creamy and also a fun surprise cuz you never know how its gonna play. Best trip I ever had was this time everything in the crib went real pale, the yellow stains on the ceiling and the mice turds in the carpet, all a it paling real bright like the world was a plastic bag and I was seeing right through it. Once for like an experiment Dag gulped her supermilk real fast and kept saying how her heart ached and we laughed cuz it was a funny thing to say but it was true cuz I felt it myself, real careful so I didnt touch her titties, and her heart was like it was trying to break her dang ribs.

  * * *

  For Midget, the time I think about most was when she seizured and supermilk came out her mouth looking like cool whip and me and Robbie got afraid and put little sister in cold bathtub water even though Dag kept giggling. When Midge woke up she licked it off her paws cuz I guess she thought it looked like cool whip too and you know how shes psycho for sugar. I laughed but Robbie didnt. He looked serious as a easter island head, like all the people he ever cared about just kicked the big old bucket.

  To Whom It May Concern:

  That’s how Mr. Toppen told us to begin a letter if you didn’t know who to write it to exactly & I don’t know who to write it to exactly bc I’m writing to both of you equally. If you’re confused Mom & Dad this is your son Robbie & you might say How Is That Possible bc how did Robbie who we LEFT BEHIND get our address to write us but it was easy. You always underestimate me bc I did poorly in school & then got involved in Violence but I’m not really very dumb.

  All I had to do was call Uncle Gary & at first he said piss off go away & I shouldn’t call you Mom & Dad & he cried bc I bet he was picturing Mom as his little sis back in the day but I was Very Firm & I told him I’m their son who Mom & Dad LEFT BEHIND & I had a Legal Right so he gave me your current address & said God forgive me & please do not visit Mom & Dad in person. That part made me mad bc I wouldn’t do that to Mom who hates big scenes & I’ve already embarrassed both of you so much since all the Violence.

  Don’t panic Mom & Dad although I was LEFT BEHIND all I want to tell you is I’m taking good care of the house after you left Very Quickly without warning me at all. Your #1 concern is probably How Can Dumb Robbie Pay The Bills but I’ll have you know Mr. Toppen taught us how to do bills bc some kids had Drunks & Druggies for parents & so bc of that lesson I paid some bills with No Problem although now I have to stop bc I went ass up bankrupt which brings me to Money & how I don’t have any left.

  Don’t worry about Money too much Mom & Dad bc when I got LEFT BEHIND you didn’t take hardly any of your stuff including all the junk Dad was repairing & I know Dad I should phrase it Pieces all the Pieces you LEFT BEHIND just like me. I don’t know as much about fixing Pieces as you Dad with your Mechanical Genius but I’ve hit the books & you might be Proud of the work I did on Mr. Fielder’s Harley Davidson carburetor although to be Totally Honest I did burn the fuel tank to a crisp & Mr. Fielder was pissed unsatisfied & threw a bowling ball through the kitchen window which would have been Very Bad except the window was already gone & it just ripped the middle out of a plastic bag.

  My plan is to gain pro skills at fixing Pieces & earn Decent Money & build a giant Quonset Hut for the Pieces so they aren’t willy nilly over the yard bc Mom thought that was trashy & I agree & then use the Net Profits to build an 18x40x54 above ground pool bc I think when people hear about how I have a top quality above ground pool complete with decking & landscaping they’ll want to swim in it & they’ll see how Normal I am & not Violent & I think many people who don’t like me will become friends & some of them close personal friends. It’s a solid long term business plan but for now it would be best if you sent Money for Bills as fast as possible. I am up shit creek screwed in a bind.

  There is also the Lawsuit. It is a depressing thing to talk about between parents & their only son after the inspiring discussion of the above ground pool but I know you know about the Lawsuit bc I was a Minor at the time of the Incident & you had to sign Documents & Letters & Affidavits & Testimony. A clerk said I was being assigned a lawyer named Mr. Mantle but if Mr. Mantle is a Big Shot like OJ had I’d rather have a cheap ass reasonably priced lawyer to save you money Mom & Dad. Honestly my concern about Money has made me sick on the toilet & so I’m being Up Front about it & sharing it with you. You know the address where to send Money bc you used to live here.

  In the meantime I promise on Gramma’s grave to keep things nice. I know Mom you were Very Proud of your 10 piece Ginsu Gourmet Cutlery Set so I won’t use them except on big thick steaks so they stay Very Sharp. I know Dad you didn’t leave your Seinfeld mug behind on purpose so I’ll only use it when all other mugs are totally disgusting. Most of all I’ll keep the Clocks which are Important Heirlooms in top notch working condition. I have hit the books on clocks & know the difference between Grandfather & Cuckoo & Pendulum & Atomic & Mechanical & Electric & Quartz & Countdown & Flip & Lantern & Lighthouse. I hope you’re impressed Dad bc to be honest I’m trying to impress you.

  I admit I’m currently doing a piss poor not great job at winding the clocks & pulling the chains. You probably know I missed my first Court Date with Mr. Mantle bc I got messed up by the clocks. The Judge was Very Upset & that mistake is On Me! Although Mom & Dad I think Total Honesty will create a superior relationship for us & so I’ll tell you I was Using at the time & would’ve slept through the clocks anyway. Mom please don’t cry I know Using is Very Bad but it helps with my headaches & I know people don’t believe me bc of my Stupid History but the headaches are terrible & sometimes I can’t see & can’t talk & swear I can feel my brains melt down my throat. It tastes like burnt pancakes.

  If I get clean Mom & Dad will you come back? Mom I’m cutting down on my swear words as you can see. Dad I told you I’m learning to fix Pieces. You don’t have to answer right away just think about it ok?

  I was going through your closets bc I don’t have shit all much else to do & I found the old Scrapbook Mom made of me. I don’t know why it was buried so deep but don’t worry I wiped off the dust & grime. It has my baby pictures & a piece of my Blankie & report cards that say I’m Kind & a Peacemaker & all the stars I got for spelling words right & a picture of me as the Cowardly Lion & then So Many football stories. I felt Very Proud. There was also the article about how I saved the Fullerton kid which is another reminder I’m Kind & a Peacemaker. I’d text you photos of the Scrapbook except my contacts got wiped when the cops confiscated my phone & that is On Me. But if you want I can mail the Scrapbook so you can remember how Proud you were of me in the past.

  You’re probably thinking hey if Robbie can write a letter this long why didn’t he write better papers for school but let me remind you it’s Very Different
when you’re writing an essay for Mr. Toppen about The Man Who Corrupted Hadleyburg vs. when you’re writing a Personal Letter from your Heart. I know I should stop but I want to tell you although it made me Very Sad to be LEFT BEHIND I understand why you did it.

  I haven’t forgotten the Cocks & Balls painted on the driveway which were really realistic & the Human Feces wiped all over the garage & how they hung poor Frank Costanza the cat from the tree & the Fire Cocktail they fired into your bedroom by accident instead of mine bc I’m sure that was the Last Straw. I started this Very Long letter telling you everything’s fine but that’s a lie. Nothing’s better. Everyone’s still so Mad at me. When I go buy food people spit loogies on my legs.

  I really messed things up didn’t I? I suppose I’m like the Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg which starts off saying Hadleyburg was the nicest town ever before one guy messed it all up. I should have written my Hadleyburg essay about myself. I never did what Mr. Toppen said & that’s On Me. He said stop writing “bc” bc life isn’t a text message but I told him “bc” looked like a battle axe & that I needed battle axes to hack my way through life. He also said stop using “&” but to me “&” is a symbol meaning Keep Going & Don’t Quit & Infinity & seeing it is like seeing I have a Future. Mr. Toppen & everyone else gave me bad grades & maybe that’s why I tried so hard at football & maybe that’s how all the Violence happened.

  I really fucked up made mistakes Mom & Dad & I’m really sorry & don’t blame you I was LEFT BEHIND & I understand if you don’t want to come back until you’re forced to by the Lawsuit but I hope you come back before then & I’ll have the Ginsu Cutlery Set & Seinfeld mug & the clocks just like you left them. One day I hope me & you who I will call Mom & Dad & not To Whom It May Concern can laugh about the Good Times & the Hard Times together in our spacious above ground pool.

  Your Loving Son,

  Robbie

  Bugs

  Robbie has a collection of clocks. I know it sounds like pussy stuff but dont hate on it till you hear me out. When his mom and pops took off to I dont know where and left behind Robbies sorry ass, all he had left was this house he grew up in and even though its crumbly now and everythings broke hes still got his pops legendary clock collection. Theres like fifty of those bitches. Ones a giant grandfather clock with a cabinet big enough to hide Midge. Theres cuckoo clocks with sheep dancing and birds singing and shorties carrying beers. Theres also clocks with Mickey Mouse and this dude Elvis and this black and white cat with moving eyes that dont tell anyone but freaks me out.

  * * *

  One thing Midget does in her spare time is take the clocks and mess them up speedwise and timewise so none a them are accurate, so when a bunch happen to go off at the same time its like a lucky sign, you know? Drives Robbie crazy though. The second we open Robbies door to leave, a bunch of clocks start dinging and donging and I pause to be appreciative. Omens like that increase your confidence and you need confidence before you walk down Yellow Street with a big fat wad a green. Yeah, its morning but lots a business goes down in the morning on Yellow Street. Junkies still wandering for a fix and hos that didnt make enough for their pimps. Us three are pretty hardcore for kids but it aint like none of us are packing chrome.

  * * *

  Best thing to do is lighten the mood with a humorous crack so right when the door shuts I turn to Dag and scream Dag laughs and laughs and laughs and she looks so fly in her fuzzy long skirt and her red jacket with all the zippers. Dang!

  * * *

  I style myself tight too. You dont need to worry about that. I thug a XXXL whitey so the hood rats know Im a hundred percent street. Havent laundried it for a few months but it dont smell too bad really. Then I super style it with a jean jacket I markered all over with the best lines from Fellowship of the Ring. The left arm says and the right arm says and the back says . Lots of people make fun of my jacket, street people and school people and teacher people too. Theyre just jealous though cuz its the baddest ass jacket they ever witnessed and even if my markering isnt super neat I know I spelled everything correct cuz I checked the internet.

  * * *

  At least Dag and me dress proper for the cold. Midget hasnt dressed proper one day in her whole shrimpy little life. Today shes got on some dirty green sweatpants and a dirty green shirt. Her shoes are green too and I guarantee thats coincidence cuz Midge is too little to know anything about creating styles. Little sister isnt wearing a jacket, a hat, a scarf, nothing. Its Halloween, girl! Wind gets chilly! Its refreshing on my pinkeye but thats the only good thing about it.

  * * *

  Midge doesnt complain though. Midget never complains to nobody except bugs. You heard it right. Bugs, yo. Like insects. Its got so normal in my brain that its hard to remember how mightyducked up it is. Any time Midge gets excited or worked up, what she does is root around till she radars some bugs and then she whispers out her feelings. One thing Robbies cribs got a bunch of is bugs so I figure thats why she likes to go there so much.

  * * *

  I wish I was punking you but the whole things true. Midget has brain damage. Dont ask me how it happened. I dont really enjoy talking about it. I guess I mostly wonder what she tells the bugs. You think she talks about me? I guess thatd be all right. She talk about Moms too? And all a Moms big time troubles? I guess its nothing to stress on. Nothing at all. What do I care what some small little girl that isnt even my real sister says about Moms to a bunch a flies and centipedes?

  * * *

  We arent even off the stoop before Midge kneels down and investigates our jackolantern like shes from CSI Miami. Must be some beetles or worms up inside that big orange bitch. Moms bought it from some banger with a shopping cart full a pumpkins and even though it was fungused I was psyched cuz Moms hardly ever gets out of bed and when she does its only to cross the street to reup her cigs cuz the dude that works there wont let me buy any for her. Last time Moms acquired me something special like that was once upon a time and a galaxy far away.

  * * *

  I lugged that big orange bastard all the way down Yellow Street cuz Robbies got ten Ginsu knives hes super proud of and I knew theyd be perfect for doing pumpkins. Robbie warned me it was too early for carving and dang, yo, turns out fat boy was correct. Here its Halloween day and the jackolanterns mouth is sucked in like No Teeth Mike, this dude that shoots up across from school. Its all withered and rotten and a gross poop color. Every time I look at it I think about Moms cuz shes the one that bought it special for me and also cuz shes up in her room getting all withered and rotten too. Maybe Moms has bugs in her head like the jackolantern does? That would explain a lot.

  * * *

  Some things arent good to think on though so I yank up Midge by her green sweaties and give her a shove so we can get our show on the road. Right off I regret it cuz what if you can catch pinkeye off clothes? If Midget wakes up tomorrow with a crusty eye Im gonna suicide myself. So I let her run up ahead. Robbies lawn is soggy like the Dead Marshes Frodo almost drowned in but I got my snowboots on so I smash through it like one a them dozers that are everywhere.

  * * *

  Dag squeals cuz shes a girl. Now her tights have spots a mud. Sorry, Dag! Dags the whole reason Im even wearing snowboots in October. Dag taught me how snowboots are helpful when youre stealing a theft. If a uniform rolls up, hes not gonna think to check snowboots for stolen goods. Plus my boots have blue and silver stripes that are very fresh. Plus theyre comfortable. Plus I aint got any other shoes currently. People at school tease my snowboots but they can eat a dick.

  * * *

  Few blocks past the burnt down super fun to play in Taco Bell ruins we see Deformo pacing around under a underpass. Hes this super ugly ass malformed ass homeless dude that spooks me real dire cuz a his nasty ass deformed ass face. He used to hang out closer to Pinebluff Glenn Estates, beggi
ng for food and sleeping all over the dang place, but the dozers keep chasing him closer to Yellow Street.

  * * *

  I have nightmares about Deformo, for real. I dont know if his mom ate bowls a toxic waste when she was pregnant or what but hes a straight up horror movie monster. I aint ever seen him except from a distance and, yo, thats how my precautionary ass wants to keep it. Knowing Dag she might try to get all deep in discussion with that horror movie monster but thats not good for Midget. Deformo would give Midge bad dreams till she peed the bed. You got to be safety first when it comes to little bitches.

  * * *

  We hit the sidewalk and I put my fists in my jean jacket and glare down the block at Deformo so it looks like Im packing. Isnt a total lie either. I may not have a gat but I do have six ninja throwing stars from KBK Pawn on 33rd. Two a them are four point carbon steel. That sharkweek is no joke. But I also got a eight point shuriken, a six point kohga, a four point black ronin, and baddest of all a stainless steel ninja disc designed like a dragon with scythe blades. I had to theft forever to afford that one. But its a smart value cuz it came with a nylon pouch free a charge and good thing too cuz that sharkweek is sharp! If Deformo ever gets his gross ass too close hes gonna get ninjaed!

  * * *

  Out here you better be armed. Inside Robbies crib it doesnt matter cuz youre protected on all sides like Helms Deep. No orcs are gonna breach that stronghold! Once I cracked that joke to Dag and she hit me playful like shorties do and so I think about saying it again. Then I remember my pinkeye. I cant be letting Dag touch me today even though itd be nice. So I fall back and forget about pumpkin bugs and Moms and all a that troublesome junk and just watch Dags red zipper coat go bobbing down the street toward the dozers like she owns this whole bitch. Its too bad she dont want my wiener cuz sometimes shes pretty as hell.